First off lets just say that last year was possibly the best year of my life. That being said, these last two months have been a living nightmare. I have been oscillating between dark despair, bitter happiness, fierce denial, and disillusioned rage. Honestly I have no way to reconcile these feelings so I have really just tried to give them all to God or bury them. Through all of it I have really tried not to blame Him, but I have been brutally honest with my feelings. The response was that He took them from me. He never did chastise me for being angry at Him though. However, even after that miracle I find myself slipping into a desire to go back to my pain. Ma io so che la vita è piu di dolore. That was kind of the original point of this blog. So after a bad week I am going to move forward and get back on track to what I was supposed to do when I got home.
And what am I supposed to do? I'm not quite sure, but I have a few ideas.
I ran to Virginia telling myself that I needed to make money (which is true). I got there and realized that Hell is really very beautiful, and the people are extremely nice. That is to say, I had taken Hell with me in my heart and my surroundings didn't (couldn't) change that. After three weeks of begging to go home, God told me I could after staying another two weeks. However, He told me that I would not be going home because I was miserable. He told me that would not change. I would go home, but it would be to change, not to go back to my old way of living. So far I've been doing a crack job of that, but with the recent onslaught of all of the pain He was holding back I find I really must get into gear and punch it.
I saw a lot of miracles in Hell. I saw total strangers at church transform before my eyes into brothers and sisters whom I had known forever (although we had never met). I felt the peace of prayer, and the sheer power of testimony. I felt the revelations of Heaven pouring over me to heal my wretched soul (waxing a bit dramatic here, I apologize). I felt the Atonement work in me as it took my pain and anger away. Anyway, the point is: I learned a lot.
But even now, I love and miss her so much it physically hurts. I can't bare to let those feelings go because I still want to believe so badly that they are not in vain. Stupid.
It doesn't matter. Now I have to get on with life, and this is kind of the point of this blog post. I feel like I have been trapped in a never-ending adolescence which breeds fear of "growing up". Even now I feel the burden of loan debt crushing me even though I have been told for years that it won't matter as long as I get a degree and go into a career that can pay it off. So like a good soldier I rushed head first into an adult world with adult responsibilities and adult debt hoping to get an adult job. The problem? I don't feel like an adult. I don't know how to feel like an adult. I don't know how to get an adult job. I don't know how to choose a career. The worst part of it all is that I got overwhelmed by these adult choices and chose to play and pick a little from here and a little from there, hoping that my dream career would magically appear. It didn't. It hasn't. Now I feel like I'm choking because this should be my last year and the only career I can think of requires me to get into grad school. None of my siblings (other than my brother-in-law) ever went to grad school. I am only the second of 6 to go to college (not even my parents went to college). The first is 10 years older than me, so I was far to young to really pay attention to how he did it. Basically I feel completely lost and I feel like in trying to find my career I have let the boat sail right past me. God told me to stop being so prideful and go see a counselor to get guidance. I don't have any more pride. I don't have any more shame. I'm desperate.
Obviously I need to get another job. I also really need to buy a car (HA! With what money?).
Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.
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