Ciao

It has taken a long time, but I finally wrote a new song.  Hope it is likable.  The recording is better than my usual crap, but not perfect.

Running home,
 Pour down some gasoline,
 Start to sing,
 "We'll burn this mother down"

 In your mind, Momma's Lullabies.
 You start to cry
 Cause all your love has drown.

 They say that blood is thicker than water
 Who'll wash your hands off now?
 And in the eyes of your brother
 You see a thorny crown.

 Of "she's gone"

 Wade on in,
 Feel the water,
 They say it's fine.
 Woa woa woa

But no diving
 In the deep end
 You'll crack your head.
 And you'll be dead.

They say that blood is thicker than water.
 Who'll wash your hands off now?
 And in the eyes of your lover
 You see a thorny crown

 Of "she's gone"

(chrorus)
 It's been a long time com'n
 But it's time to say goodbye.
 You should know I love you still
But I just can't keep on try'n.

 So long to days of love
And love of auld lang syne.
 you should know I love you still
 I just can't keep on cry'n.

 Cut me deep
 Cut me long
 Make me sing this song.
 I'm bleedin' out.

 For the love
 Of all that's good in the world
 And that's not much…
 Just please stop.

 They say that blood is thicker than water.
 How'm I gonna wash my hands off now?
 And in the eyes of another
 Will I see another thorny crown

 Of "she's gone"?

*chorus*
*bad high pitched chorus I can't sing well*

Nostro Fratello

This post will be a bit more upbeat than my last.  This post is about our Brother.



I have began studies to learn the gifts which Jesus possessed and now possesses.  The driving force behind this research is to identify the traits which He has so that I can tap into those traits which exist within myself or if they do not exist, to create them within myself.

I first made a list of attributes which I believe He possesses based on my own personal knowledge of Him.  Each trait I listed had a story or an experience behind it to give it credit, so as to prevent me from listing rote adjectives which I have heard or read about.  No, these all had to be attributes which *I* feel He has based on *my* relationship with Him.  This helps me judge my relationship with Him.  It helps me to see how well I know my Brother.  I won't present that list here.  It is incomplete and not really the point of this post.  You just needed to know the back story a little.

Secondly I turned to Preach My Gospel.  It has a section of Christlike attributes in it which I believed would serve to broaden my personal list.  This post is about the first of those attributes:  Faith in Jesus Christ.

Now, keep in mind that the "Christlike attribute" "Faith in Jesus Christ" was the first of a list of "His attributes".  Why do I keep using quotations?  To put it less vaguely, *these are attributes which Christ has* 말이야!  My point?  I found it strange for the first time ever (I have read this section of PMG countless times) that Jesus Christ has the attribute of Faith in Jesus Christ.  That's when I realized something.  Jesus did not just have faith in Heavenly Father's plan to bring us into this world to learn, but He had faith in Himself, in His own place within that plan.  While He even He at one point "would that [He] might not drink the bitter cup" He knew that it was His responsibility and that as the Son of Heavenly Father, He was uniquely equipped to accomplish the crucial mission on which He had been sent.  There is another lesson in there about occasional fear at huge life decisions being completely normal and our need to just have faith and push through, but this isn't the post for that.

This is the point of my post:  We need to have faith in Jesus Christ.  It is the first and foremost of the listed attributes of PMG.  However, even Christ's possession of this attribute means to me that we need to have faith in ourselves.  We need to believe in ourselves.  This is big for me because I rarely feel confident in myself or my abilities.  If Christ had the ability to trust in His own abilities and His own potential, then I can also develop such an attribute in relation to myself.  This is because, as is stated in PMG before it actually lists the attributes: "Christlike attributes are gifts from God."

Therefore, just like any gift from God: "Ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Amen."  (D&C 4:7)

Or likewise from Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Per Favore, Ridatemi il mio Cuore.

So, I started this blog a while ago and have neglected it for far too long.  I have so many things I feel I need to say but I have no way to possibly say all of them.

First off lets just say that last year was possibly the best year of my life.  That being said, these last two months have been a living nightmare.  I have been oscillating between dark despair, bitter happiness, fierce denial, and disillusioned rage.  Honestly I have no way to reconcile these feelings so I have really just tried to give them all to God or bury them.  Through all of it I have really tried not to blame Him, but I have been brutally honest with my feelings.  The response was that He took them from me.  He never did chastise me for being angry at Him though.  However, even after that miracle I find myself slipping into a desire to go back to my pain.  Ma io so che la vita è piu di dolore.  That was kind of the original point of this blog.  So after a bad week I am going to move forward and get back on track to what I was supposed to do when I got home.

And what am I supposed to do?  I'm not quite sure, but I have a few ideas.

I ran to Virginia telling myself that I needed to make money (which is true).  I got there and realized that Hell is really very beautiful, and the people are extremely nice.  That is to say, I had taken Hell with me in my heart and my surroundings didn't (couldn't) change that.  After three weeks of begging to go home, God told me I could after staying another two weeks.  However, He told me that I would not be going home because I was miserable.  He told me that would not change.  I would go home, but it would be to change, not to go back to my old way of living.  So far I've been doing a crack job of that, but with the recent onslaught of all of the pain He was holding back I find I really must get into gear and punch it.

I saw a lot of miracles in Hell.  I saw total strangers at church transform before my eyes into brothers and sisters whom I had known forever (although we had never met).  I felt the peace of prayer, and the sheer power of testimony.  I felt the revelations of Heaven pouring over me to heal my wretched soul (waxing a bit dramatic here, I apologize).  I felt the Atonement work in me as it took my pain and anger away.  Anyway, the point is:  I learned a lot.

But even now, I love and miss her so much it physically hurts.  I can't bare to let those feelings go because I still want to believe so badly that they are not in vain.  Stupid.

It doesn't matter.  Now I have to get on with life, and this is kind of the point of this blog post.  I feel like I have been trapped in a never-ending adolescence which breeds fear of "growing up".  Even now I feel the burden of loan debt crushing me even though I have been told for years that it won't matter as long as I get a degree and go into a career that can pay it off.  So like a good soldier I rushed head first into an adult world with adult responsibilities and adult debt hoping to get an adult job.  The problem?  I don't feel like an adult.  I don't know how to feel like an adult.  I don't know how to get an adult job.  I don't know how to choose a career.  The worst part of it all is that I got overwhelmed by these adult choices and chose to play and pick a little from here and a little from there, hoping that my dream career would magically appear.  It didn't.  It hasn't.  Now I feel like I'm choking because this should be my last year and the only career I can think of requires me to get into grad school.  None of my siblings (other than my brother-in-law) ever went to grad school.  I am only the second of 6 to go to college (not even my parents went to college).  The first is 10 years older than me, so I was far to young to really pay attention to how he did it.  Basically I feel completely lost and I feel like in trying to find my career I have let the boat sail right past me.  God told me to stop being so prideful and go see a counselor to get guidance.  I don't have any more pride.  I don't have any more shame.  I'm desperate.

Obviously I need to get another job.  I also really need to buy a car (HA!  With what money?).

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Le Azalee

So, I was required to memorize a poem and translate it for my Korean class.
  This poem by Kim Sowol (김소월) is called Azaleas, or 진달래꽃, and is very famous.

This is the original followed by my translation  (I added a syllabic structure to mine in an attempt to ensure the flowing aesthetic of the Korean original on the page):

나 보기가 역겨워

가실 때에는

말 없이 고이 보내드리오리다

영변에 약산

진달래꽃

아름 따다 가실 길에 뿌리오리다

가시는 걸음걸음

놓인 그 꽃을

사뿐히 즈려 밟고 가시옵소서

나 보기가 역겨워

가실 때에는

죽어도 아니 눈물 흘리오리다

When my sight you hate, (x5)

and you away, (x4)

Silently, peacefully, shall I send you.  (3,3,4)

I'll spread armfuls of (x5)

Azaleas (x4)

from Mount Yak in Yeongbyeon, along your path. (3, 3, 4)

With your ev'ry step (x5)

on flowers, placed, (x4)

Tenderly, cautiously, tread as you go. (3,3,4)

When my sight you hate, (x5)

and you away, (x4)

Though I die, I'll not shed a single tear. (3,3,4)

---

This is an alternate translation that I came up with last night that I think flows better to an English speaker:

When of my sight you weary
and take your leave of me,
Without a word, in silence, will I send you.

From distant mountains,
Azaleas
Along your path I'll spread.

For each and every step you take
upon the flowers that I lay,
Please, tread tenderly as you go.

When of my sight you weary
and take your leave of me,
Though I die not a tear will I shed.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Il Silenzio

    Seid eine lange Zeit hab' ich nichts geschrieben.  Das was ich zuletzt geschrieben hab' über ein Kokosnuss eigentlich hat meine Freundin geschrieben.  Ich weiß aber überhaupt nicht was ich schreiben will.  Ich weiß das kürzlich hab ich viel an meine beliebte Schwester gedacht.  Ganz besonders weil zwei Tage vor ein Kind zu ihrem Mann geboren war.  Das Kind ist natürlich nicht das Kind meiner Schwester, weil sie nicht weiter lebt. Aber er ist doch mein Neffe.  Ich denke viel aber über die Tatsache das sie versuchte so viel um ein Kind zu haben und konnte nicht.  Ihr Mann auch wollte mehr als zehn Jahren ein Kind, das ihn Vater nennen würde.  Ich bin froh für ihn.

    Endlich denk ich dass ich nichts anders zu sagen hab. Tut mir Leid.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

coconuts

today I ate a coconut. to be continued ...

Il Timore della Speranza

It really has been a very long time since I posted anything here.  Quite a shame really.

  Quick recap on my life:  I have gotten very into the obtaining of a ballroom minor.  I'm really hoping it will give me time to analyze my options and choose a career path of some sort.  I have also gotten very into blues dancing lately and will soon be teaching it (which is an answer to my prayer of whether teaching dance is something I would like to do).  I went to the Temple a couple weeks back and got so many answers to my questions.  In fact, now that I think on it, I believe the Lord has answered all of my questions and pleas in one way or another.
  At the moment I'm trying to just follow my heart to attempt to do the things that were whispered to me while I was there.  Most of them are easy but one of them is terrifying and far far far out of my comfort zone.  That being said I am still trying (and even though results so far have been miraculous I am getting progressively nervous).
  Today I borrowed Swan's hymn book to read the words to "Be Still My Soul", which got stuck in my head as I began to get anxious over the various sources turbulence which are taking place in my life.  I say turbulence because I don't believe they are anything more serious than that and I will come out on top.  That said, I am still afraid of change, which I suppose is the reason for my desire to read the words to that particular hymn.  I mean:  "Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past.  Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;  All now mysterious shall be bright at last."  Heavenly Father certainly knows I've got my hopes up and He has given me an uncharacteristic confidence up to now.  I just need to not get shaken and keep "look[ing] forward with an eye of faith".

  I think I have put off telling funny stories on my blog for far too long a time. Soooooo, here is one (I don't know that it is funny, but maybe).

  Sooooooooo, this one time I almost got murdered by a moose.  It was just a few months back.  We went to my bro-in-law's cabin up in the mountains near Heber for a few days.  It was just me, my sister, her husband, and my Momma.  Anyway, I love fishing and the cabin was right next to a river (it was dark when we got there so I only knew about it because I could hear the sound of rushing water) so first thing in the morning I set out determined to find a good fishin' hole.  I trudged my way down a muddy path until I reached the edge of the stream.  The atmosphere was that of the forest in the morning (like right after you wake up and crawl out of your sleeping bag and tent and look around).  It was super calm and all I could hear was the river and it smelled sooooooo good out there (which, due to my allergy medicine I could actually appreciate).
  Anyway, preoccupied with the river I didn't think to look around to see my potential impending doom coming.  I was rudely jolted back into reality when I heard a not-so-sneaky-for-a-woodland-creature *THUD THUD THUD CLOMP CLOMP*  directly behind me.  Startled I threw my head back to see a young buck moose not eight feet in front of me.  He shuffled in a strafing pattern anxiously as it was obvious he didn't know what to do with/to me.  He was wide eyed and seemed confused and near panic (so obviously my mind was at ease, I mean, what's to fear from a stressed wild animal the size of a car known for very violent behavior toward humans, right?).
  All I could think was "There is an elk in front of me.  Just an elk.  A harmless elk that is not known for maiming innocent hikers.  Yup, no moose here, just elk.  Yup yup yup yup yup yup yup yupyupyupypupypuypuholycrapthat'samooseI'mgonnadieyupyupyup elk."  The best part was that I had happily cornered myself and my only way out was the not-so-inviting river.  God must've sent an angel at that moment because I didn't have to resort to plan "Operation Drown Rather Than Be Trampled By Angry Moose".  The bewildered moose jumped around and bolted away as quickly and non-stealthily as he had arrived (I feel like he would have been picked on in gym class for his severe lack of coordination).
  Once I swallowed my heart to put it back in my chest cavity and remembered how to breath, I admitted that it was a moose.  I slowly made my way back up the trail to the cabin and I'm pretty sure my eyes were as wide as the sky.  I heard my sister scream to me from the cabin "James, watch out, there's a moose out there!!!" to which I very sarcastically (or, as sarcastically as one can when one just saw one's life flash before their eyes) and shakily (my lungs were still remembering what they get paid to do) replied "NO KIDDING!!!!"
  He wandered back to the cabin later and I went outside with a camera to take pictures of him.  Unfortunately none of them were any better than the best Bigfoot picture ever taken.

This is the best picture I got.  I swear it is not a man in a moose suit.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.