Nostro Fratello

This post will be a bit more upbeat than my last.  This post is about our Brother.



I have began studies to learn the gifts which Jesus possessed and now possesses.  The driving force behind this research is to identify the traits which He has so that I can tap into those traits which exist within myself or if they do not exist, to create them within myself.

I first made a list of attributes which I believe He possesses based on my own personal knowledge of Him.  Each trait I listed had a story or an experience behind it to give it credit, so as to prevent me from listing rote adjectives which I have heard or read about.  No, these all had to be attributes which *I* feel He has based on *my* relationship with Him.  This helps me judge my relationship with Him.  It helps me to see how well I know my Brother.  I won't present that list here.  It is incomplete and not really the point of this post.  You just needed to know the back story a little.

Secondly I turned to Preach My Gospel.  It has a section of Christlike attributes in it which I believed would serve to broaden my personal list.  This post is about the first of those attributes:  Faith in Jesus Christ.

Now, keep in mind that the "Christlike attribute" "Faith in Jesus Christ" was the first of a list of "His attributes".  Why do I keep using quotations?  To put it less vaguely, *these are attributes which Christ has* 말이야!  My point?  I found it strange for the first time ever (I have read this section of PMG countless times) that Jesus Christ has the attribute of Faith in Jesus Christ.  That's when I realized something.  Jesus did not just have faith in Heavenly Father's plan to bring us into this world to learn, but He had faith in Himself, in His own place within that plan.  While He even He at one point "would that [He] might not drink the bitter cup" He knew that it was His responsibility and that as the Son of Heavenly Father, He was uniquely equipped to accomplish the crucial mission on which He had been sent.  There is another lesson in there about occasional fear at huge life decisions being completely normal and our need to just have faith and push through, but this isn't the post for that.

This is the point of my post:  We need to have faith in Jesus Christ.  It is the first and foremost of the listed attributes of PMG.  However, even Christ's possession of this attribute means to me that we need to have faith in ourselves.  We need to believe in ourselves.  This is big for me because I rarely feel confident in myself or my abilities.  If Christ had the ability to trust in His own abilities and His own potential, then I can also develop such an attribute in relation to myself.  This is because, as is stated in PMG before it actually lists the attributes: "Christlike attributes are gifts from God."

Therefore, just like any gift from God: "Ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Amen."  (D&C 4:7)

Or likewise from Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Per Favore, Ridatemi il mio Cuore.

So, I started this blog a while ago and have neglected it for far too long.  I have so many things I feel I need to say but I have no way to possibly say all of them.

First off lets just say that last year was possibly the best year of my life.  That being said, these last two months have been a living nightmare.  I have been oscillating between dark despair, bitter happiness, fierce denial, and disillusioned rage.  Honestly I have no way to reconcile these feelings so I have really just tried to give them all to God or bury them.  Through all of it I have really tried not to blame Him, but I have been brutally honest with my feelings.  The response was that He took them from me.  He never did chastise me for being angry at Him though.  However, even after that miracle I find myself slipping into a desire to go back to my pain.  Ma io so che la vita è piu di dolore.  That was kind of the original point of this blog.  So after a bad week I am going to move forward and get back on track to what I was supposed to do when I got home.

And what am I supposed to do?  I'm not quite sure, but I have a few ideas.

I ran to Virginia telling myself that I needed to make money (which is true).  I got there and realized that Hell is really very beautiful, and the people are extremely nice.  That is to say, I had taken Hell with me in my heart and my surroundings didn't (couldn't) change that.  After three weeks of begging to go home, God told me I could after staying another two weeks.  However, He told me that I would not be going home because I was miserable.  He told me that would not change.  I would go home, but it would be to change, not to go back to my old way of living.  So far I've been doing a crack job of that, but with the recent onslaught of all of the pain He was holding back I find I really must get into gear and punch it.

I saw a lot of miracles in Hell.  I saw total strangers at church transform before my eyes into brothers and sisters whom I had known forever (although we had never met).  I felt the peace of prayer, and the sheer power of testimony.  I felt the revelations of Heaven pouring over me to heal my wretched soul (waxing a bit dramatic here, I apologize).  I felt the Atonement work in me as it took my pain and anger away.  Anyway, the point is:  I learned a lot.

But even now, I love and miss her so much it physically hurts.  I can't bare to let those feelings go because I still want to believe so badly that they are not in vain.  Stupid.

It doesn't matter.  Now I have to get on with life, and this is kind of the point of this blog post.  I feel like I have been trapped in a never-ending adolescence which breeds fear of "growing up".  Even now I feel the burden of loan debt crushing me even though I have been told for years that it won't matter as long as I get a degree and go into a career that can pay it off.  So like a good soldier I rushed head first into an adult world with adult responsibilities and adult debt hoping to get an adult job.  The problem?  I don't feel like an adult.  I don't know how to feel like an adult.  I don't know how to get an adult job.  I don't know how to choose a career.  The worst part of it all is that I got overwhelmed by these adult choices and chose to play and pick a little from here and a little from there, hoping that my dream career would magically appear.  It didn't.  It hasn't.  Now I feel like I'm choking because this should be my last year and the only career I can think of requires me to get into grad school.  None of my siblings (other than my brother-in-law) ever went to grad school.  I am only the second of 6 to go to college (not even my parents went to college).  The first is 10 years older than me, so I was far to young to really pay attention to how he did it.  Basically I feel completely lost and I feel like in trying to find my career I have let the boat sail right past me.  God told me to stop being so prideful and go see a counselor to get guidance.  I don't have any more pride.  I don't have any more shame.  I'm desperate.

Obviously I need to get another job.  I also really need to buy a car (HA!  With what money?).

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.