It has been a while since I wrote anything (a couple weeks I guess). I actually wrote like two paragraphs at church (ya...maybe I should've been paying better attention, but I was feeling "writey" and I didn't have a notebook with me. Anyway, I lost it all because blogger doesn't work very well on iPads (grrrrrr). Although maybe it was punishment for not paying attention...naw.
So, when I was a kid I went repelling with a group of scouts and my dad. The first drop off scared me, but it was fun, because it was only about a 60° angle and I could see where to place me feet. The second however, was a sheer drop 10 feet to a ledge which dropped down what to me looked like a mile. Because of the ledge I couldn't see where I would have to place my feet going down. I couldn't plan ahead. Also, I was too scared to take that first scoot over the edge without help, and since there was another ledge 10 feet down, I was going to have to go off it alone.
It was akin to a sensory overload. I froze with fear and wouldn't move. Eventually someone coaxed me away from the edge and practically carried me down the back way.
I kinda am starting to feel this way again, but with life in general. I can't see where I'm going, but I've already gone over the first edge and I am at the second, alone and terrified to move forward. Unfortunately, having already gone over the edge, I am out of the reach of those who could carry me to safety. Also, unfortunately, life is driven forward by the unstoppable engine of time, and I with it.
I wanted to tell funny stories and experiences that happen to me, but it seems that every time I get on here I forget them all. Maybe next time.
Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.
I wrote this song this evening. It is called "In the Sky". It is the result of me deciding to write a song with a different guitar tuning. Don't worry, I didn't go crazy. I just dropped the low E string a whole step.
Dreams
They raised her up.
In the sky,
It's where I'll be.
Hide your face
From me.
In the sky
Is where I'll be.
And you'll be there,
Singing with me,
Playing that harp
With only seven strings.
Singing Oh-woa-woa-woa
Woa-woa-woa
Oh-woa-woa-woa
Woa-woa-woa
Now you know,
It's gonna be a long
Way home
Save me sunshine,
Save me rain
Save me from this girl
That's caused me pain
Oh but bless her…
It's gonna be a long
Way home.
Fears,
They shot me up.
In the sky,
It's where I'll be.
Hide my face,
So she can't see.
I all want
Is for us to be…
I need you there,
Believe in me,
Play me hope
In a melody
Sing oh-woa…….etc.
Stay with me,
It's gonna be a long way home.
Save me sunshine
Save me rain
Save me through this girl
Who has caused me pain
Oh and bless her…
It's gonna be a long
Way home.
Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.
I never do claim to be a good musician, but what I write comes from my heart and is, to me, necessary.
The lyrics to this song my father wrote. He requested I write music to put it to.
He hasn’t written a song in upward of 30 years. It took him close to 2 years to write the words to a point that he was satisfied. He used the above painting, "Nighthawks", as an inspiration.
I accepted the challenge to write the song, but I worried that I could never do the song justice. Last Christmas (2011) I was working on a new song but my lyrics just felt all wrong. At the suggestion of my father, I plugged in his lyrics to the tune I had been working on and they fit like a glove.
We sat down and played side by side:
You see him everywhere you go.
He always seems to sit all alone.
His mind is always on, something else.
Some problem to solve, or to be put a shelf.
The waitresses all know him as their friend.
Someone who is kind but, yet in the end.
He is always something, to someone else.
But inside he feels nothing, to himself.
His loneliness is deep and never understood.
By others around him, nor himself, even though he should.
You see he lives it every day, from morning until dawn.
Then again in his dreams all night long.
The waitresses all know him as their friend.
Someone who is kind, but yet in the end.
He is always something, to someone else.
But inside he feels nothing, to himself.
He wonders what went wrong, so many years ago.
When life had more meaning with a clear and certain goal.
Of which he can’t remember, or did it really exist?
Or was it one of life’s illusions, that he just could not resist.
The waitresses all know him as their friend.
Someone who is kind but, yet in the end.
He is always something, to someone else.
But inside he feels nothing, to himself.
So he sits alone in the Diner and stares off into space.
Contemplates his next move, in life’s elusive race.
Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.
This is a song I recently wrote but posted on my tumblr. Since not everyone knows what that is I am double posting it here. It is called "This Man I Knew".
I once knew a fellow
Who was too weak
to even bellow
His own name.
But where he went
He went with purpose
He was sent
To garnish his own gains.
Life’s a dream
An endless nightmare
So he thought,
This helpless man I knew.
Sings along
With all the chorus
Words he sings,
He never thought,
He knew.
1 2 3 4…
woh woh woh woh woh
Oh spring
is coming round
Though winter
could not be found.
And love
and dreams of crazy things.
The cries
Of crazy beings.
The joy
We all loved and knew.
Will help me,
Get to you.
3rd time:
Oh spring
is coming round
Though winter
could not be found.
And love
and dreams of crazy things.
The cries
The lies
The joy
Of crazy beings.
*fin*
Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.
It's been a while since I posted an actual post on my blog. I did write another song. It is at my tumblr, piudidolore.tumblr.com. in the post following this, entitled "Musica". Or at "La Mia Musica", my dedicated music page on the blog.
But this post won't be about my music. It will be about me. I have been trying to get back to the basics in life. Trying to just enjoy life, and keep my head on straight and my priorities in line. Sometimes I feel like I get lost, but I've been doing better. I wear my ring about 75% centered on my finger. It reminds me I'm making progress and to not get discouraged.
I have been having a hard time moving on from certain things. How, for instance, do you deal with someone who reminds you of someone you cared for a lot? Especially when you don't have a whisper of a chance more with the new person than you did with the one you have tried so hard to forget. Now I'm just rambling. Perfume is what gets me the most though. Perfume and a good dance. Best tasting poison I've ever had the displeasure and foolishness to take willingly...
I have been doing a lot of dancing lately. I also got hold of a mandolin, which I am trying to learn to play. Last night I reached the point where I had been pushing my body too hard and it gave out on me. I crashed hard for over twelve hours. I'm sure Heavenly Father isn't too pleased with the way I've been treating myself. Stand up and try again though.
So why don't I try harder to find what I want? I think it has a lot to do with fear. I'm afraid. Terrified of losing what I have waited so many countless endless moments to find. Of course, I will never find what I am afraid to lose if I am too afraid to look. I suppose I'm also worried that if I find it too soon I won't be ready for it and it'll pass me up. Maybe I'm worried it already has, time and time again.
I try not to post things like this on my blog. It seems cliché, childish, not really the thing I go for. But I need an outlet and currently there is no song I could write which will do. That may change, but it hasn't yet.
Thoughts in my head:
"You don't have forever to decide. Life isn't that convenient."
"If you don't try, you can only fail."
"They are right, you know? You should believe more, trust more."
...They are endless, and mostly thoughts which try to encourage, and succeed in discouraging.
"Did you see her eyes? The way they saw you? It was different than before. How do you give up on that?"
Mostly I think it's because you walk three miles only to realize that what you are leaving embodies the very thing you long for. All the traits, all the dreams, which were held by the one you are running from.
Why the hell don't you jump? Try? "You can only get closure" is what you would tell anyone that asked for your opinion. You'd make it seem so simple. They'd try it and say you were right as you either congratulated them or comforted them; either way you both know they did the right thing. But you? No such courage, no such sense to follow your own "good advice".
So wake up, smile, dance, work harder to gain clarity, and go to bed at the end of every day justifying your inaction by reminding yourself what you want is a pipe dream, an impossibility. Ironically that's an entirely impossible to prove statement by the way. I guess that's why justification only gets you to sleep at night, but doesn't comfort you the morning after.
Another thing: Why push people away? What kind of sense does that make? You'd never let others distance themselves if you could help it. You'd insist that they live life and enjoy life. Hypocrisy should be a job. You would be great at that. Maybe you should go into politics.
"You should try, you never know" they said. If only they knew what my eyes have not been allowed to tell anyone.
Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.
