Il Silenzio

    Seid eine lange Zeit hab' ich nichts geschrieben.  Das was ich zuletzt geschrieben hab' über ein Kokosnuss eigentlich hat meine Freundin geschrieben.  Ich weiß aber überhaupt nicht was ich schreiben will.  Ich weiß das kürzlich hab ich viel an meine beliebte Schwester gedacht.  Ganz besonders weil zwei Tage vor ein Kind zu ihrem Mann geboren war.  Das Kind ist natürlich nicht das Kind meiner Schwester, weil sie nicht weiter lebt. Aber er ist doch mein Neffe.  Ich denke viel aber über die Tatsache das sie versuchte so viel um ein Kind zu haben und konnte nicht.  Ihr Mann auch wollte mehr als zehn Jahren ein Kind, das ihn Vater nennen würde.  Ich bin froh für ihn.

    Endlich denk ich dass ich nichts anders zu sagen hab. Tut mir Leid.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

coconuts

today I ate a coconut. to be continued ...

Il Timore della Speranza

It really has been a very long time since I posted anything here.  Quite a shame really.

  Quick recap on my life:  I have gotten very into the obtaining of a ballroom minor.  I'm really hoping it will give me time to analyze my options and choose a career path of some sort.  I have also gotten very into blues dancing lately and will soon be teaching it (which is an answer to my prayer of whether teaching dance is something I would like to do).  I went to the Temple a couple weeks back and got so many answers to my questions.  In fact, now that I think on it, I believe the Lord has answered all of my questions and pleas in one way or another.
  At the moment I'm trying to just follow my heart to attempt to do the things that were whispered to me while I was there.  Most of them are easy but one of them is terrifying and far far far out of my comfort zone.  That being said I am still trying (and even though results so far have been miraculous I am getting progressively nervous).
  Today I borrowed Swan's hymn book to read the words to "Be Still My Soul", which got stuck in my head as I began to get anxious over the various sources turbulence which are taking place in my life.  I say turbulence because I don't believe they are anything more serious than that and I will come out on top.  That said, I am still afraid of change, which I suppose is the reason for my desire to read the words to that particular hymn.  I mean:  "Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past.  Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;  All now mysterious shall be bright at last."  Heavenly Father certainly knows I've got my hopes up and He has given me an uncharacteristic confidence up to now.  I just need to not get shaken and keep "look[ing] forward with an eye of faith".

  I think I have put off telling funny stories on my blog for far too long a time. Soooooo, here is one (I don't know that it is funny, but maybe).

  Sooooooooo, this one time I almost got murdered by a moose.  It was just a few months back.  We went to my bro-in-law's cabin up in the mountains near Heber for a few days.  It was just me, my sister, her husband, and my Momma.  Anyway, I love fishing and the cabin was right next to a river (it was dark when we got there so I only knew about it because I could hear the sound of rushing water) so first thing in the morning I set out determined to find a good fishin' hole.  I trudged my way down a muddy path until I reached the edge of the stream.  The atmosphere was that of the forest in the morning (like right after you wake up and crawl out of your sleeping bag and tent and look around).  It was super calm and all I could hear was the river and it smelled sooooooo good out there (which, due to my allergy medicine I could actually appreciate).
  Anyway, preoccupied with the river I didn't think to look around to see my potential impending doom coming.  I was rudely jolted back into reality when I heard a not-so-sneaky-for-a-woodland-creature *THUD THUD THUD CLOMP CLOMP*  directly behind me.  Startled I threw my head back to see a young buck moose not eight feet in front of me.  He shuffled in a strafing pattern anxiously as it was obvious he didn't know what to do with/to me.  He was wide eyed and seemed confused and near panic (so obviously my mind was at ease, I mean, what's to fear from a stressed wild animal the size of a car known for very violent behavior toward humans, right?).
  All I could think was "There is an elk in front of me.  Just an elk.  A harmless elk that is not known for maiming innocent hikers.  Yup, no moose here, just elk.  Yup yup yup yup yup yup yup yupyupyupypupypuypuholycrapthat'samooseI'mgonnadieyupyupyup elk."  The best part was that I had happily cornered myself and my only way out was the not-so-inviting river.  God must've sent an angel at that moment because I didn't have to resort to plan "Operation Drown Rather Than Be Trampled By Angry Moose".  The bewildered moose jumped around and bolted away as quickly and non-stealthily as he had arrived (I feel like he would have been picked on in gym class for his severe lack of coordination).
  Once I swallowed my heart to put it back in my chest cavity and remembered how to breath, I admitted that it was a moose.  I slowly made my way back up the trail to the cabin and I'm pretty sure my eyes were as wide as the sky.  I heard my sister scream to me from the cabin "James, watch out, there's a moose out there!!!" to which I very sarcastically (or, as sarcastically as one can when one just saw one's life flash before their eyes) and shakily (my lungs were still remembering what they get paid to do) replied "NO KIDDING!!!!"
  He wandered back to the cabin later and I went outside with a camera to take pictures of him.  Unfortunately none of them were any better than the best Bigfoot picture ever taken.

This is the best picture I got.  I swear it is not a man in a moose suit.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

La Scogliera

  It has been a while since I wrote anything (a couple weeks I guess).  I actually wrote like two paragraphs at church (ya...maybe I should've been paying better attention, but I was feeling "writey" and I didn't have a notebook with me.  Anyway, I lost it all because blogger doesn't work very well on iPads (grrrrrr).  Although maybe it was punishment for not paying attention...naw.

  So, when I was a kid I went repelling with a group of scouts and my dad.  The first drop off scared me, but it was fun, because it was only about a 60° angle and I could see where to place me feet.  The second however, was a sheer drop 10 feet to a ledge which dropped down what to me looked like a mile.  Because of the ledge I couldn't see where I would have to place my feet going down.  I couldn't plan ahead.  Also, I was too scared to take that first scoot over the edge without help, and since there was another ledge 10 feet down, I was going to have to go off it alone.

  It was akin to a sensory overload.  I froze with fear and wouldn't move.  Eventually someone coaxed me away from the edge and practically carried me down the back way.

  I kinda am starting to feel this way again, but with life in general.  I can't see where I'm going, but I've already gone over the first edge and I am at the second, alone and terrified to move forward.  Unfortunately, having already gone over the edge, I am out of the reach of those who could carry me to safety.  Also, unfortunately, life is driven forward by the unstoppable engine of time, and I with it.

  

  I wanted to tell funny stories and experiences that happen to me, but it seems that every time I get on here I forget them all.   Maybe next time.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Nel Cielo

I wrote this song this evening.  It is called "In the Sky".  It is the result of me deciding to write a song with a different guitar tuning.  Don't worry, I didn't go crazy.  I just dropped the low E string a whole step.

Dreams

They raised her up.

In the sky,

It's where I'll be.

Hide your face

From me.

In the sky

Is where I'll be.

And you'll be there,

Singing with me,

Playing that harp

With only seven strings.

Singing Oh-woa-woa-woa

Woa-woa-woa

Oh-woa-woa-woa

Woa-woa-woa

Now you know,

It's gonna be a long

Way home

Save me sunshine,

Save me rain

Save me from this girl

That's caused me pain

Oh but bless her…

It's gonna be a long

Way home.

Fears,

They shot me up.

In the sky,

It's where I'll be.

Hide my face,

So she can't see.

I all want

Is for us to be…

I need you there,

Believe in me,

Play me hope

In a melody

Sing oh-woa…….etc.

Stay with me,

It's gonna be a long way home.

Save me sunshine

Save me rain

Save me through this girl

Who has caused me pain

Oh and bless her…

It's gonna be a long

Way home.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Il Dolore Di Mio Padre

I never do claim to be a good musician, but what I write comes from my heart and is, to me, necessary.

  The lyrics to this song my father wrote.  He requested I write music to put it to.

  He hasn’t written a song in upward of 30 years.  It took him close to 2 years to write the words to a point that he was satisfied.  He used the above painting, "Nighthawks", as an inspiration.

  I accepted the challenge to write the song, but I worried that I could never do the song justice.  Last Christmas (2011) I was working on a new song but my lyrics just felt all wrong.  At the suggestion of my father, I plugged in his lyrics to the tune I had been working on and they fit like a glove.

  We sat down and played side by side:

You see him everywhere you go.

He always seems to sit all alone.

His mind is always on, something else.

Some problem to solve, or to be put a shelf.

The waitresses all know him as their friend.

Someone who is kind but, yet in the end.

He is always something, to someone else.

But inside he feels nothing, to himself.

His loneliness is deep and never understood.

By others around him, nor himself, even though he should.

You see he lives it every day, from morning until dawn.

Then again in his dreams all night long.

The waitresses all know him as their friend.

Someone who is kind, but yet in the end.

He is always something, to someone else.

But inside he feels nothing, to himself.

He wonders what went wrong, so many years ago.

When life had more meaning with a clear and certain goal.

Of which he can’t remember, or did it really exist?

Or was it one of life’s illusions, that he just could not resist.

The waitresses all know him as their friend.

Someone who is kind but, yet in the end.

He is always something, to someone else.

But inside he feels nothing, to himself.

So he sits alone in the Diner and stares off into space.

Contemplates his next move, in life’s elusive race.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Musica

This is a song I recently wrote but posted on my tumblr.  Since not everyone knows what that is I am double posting it here.  It is called "This Man I Knew".

I once knew a fellow
Who was too weak
to even bellow
His own name.

But where he went
He went with purpose
He was sent
To garnish his own gains.

Life’s a dream
An endless nightmare
So he thought,
This helpless man I knew.

Sings along
With all the chorus
Words he sings,
He never thought,
He knew.

1 2 3 4…

woh woh woh woh woh

Oh spring
is coming round
Though winter
could not be found.

And love
and dreams of crazy things.
The cries
Of crazy beings.

The joy
We all loved and knew.
Will help me,
Get to you.

3rd time:
Oh spring
is coming round
Though winter
could not be found.

And love
and dreams of crazy things.
The cries
The lies
The joy
Of crazy beings.
*fin*

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Io Vorrei...

It's been a while since I posted an actual post on my blog.  I did write another song.  It is at my tumblr, piudidolore.tumblr.com. in the post following this, entitled "Musica".  Or at "La Mia Musica", my dedicated music page on the blog.

But this post won't be about my music.  It will be about me.  I have been trying to get back to the basics in life. Trying to just enjoy life, and keep my head on straight and my priorities in line.  Sometimes I feel like I get lost, but I've been doing better.  I wear my ring about 75% centered on my finger.  It reminds me I'm making progress and to not get discouraged.

I have been having a hard time moving on from certain things.  How, for instance, do you deal with someone who reminds you of someone you cared for a lot?  Especially when you don't have a whisper of a chance more with the new person than you did with the one you have tried so hard to forget.  Now I'm just rambling.  Perfume is what gets me the most though.  Perfume and a good dance.  Best tasting poison I've ever had the displeasure and foolishness to take willingly...

I have been doing a lot of dancing lately.  I also got hold of a mandolin, which I am trying to learn to play.  Last night I reached the point where I had been pushing my body too hard and it gave out on me.  I crashed hard for over twelve hours.  I'm sure Heavenly Father isn't too pleased with the way I've been treating myself.  Stand up and try again though.

So why don't I try harder to find what I want?  I think it has a lot to do with fear.  I'm afraid.  Terrified of losing what I have waited so many countless endless moments to find.  Of course, I will never find what I am afraid to lose if I am too afraid to look.  I suppose I'm also worried that if I find it too soon I won't be ready for it and it'll pass me up.  Maybe I'm worried it already has, time and time again.

I try not to post things like this on my blog.  It seems cliché, childish, not really the thing I go for.  But I need an outlet and currently there is no song I could write which will do.  That may change, but it hasn't yet.

Thoughts in my head:

"You don't have forever to decide.  Life isn't that convenient."

"If you don't try, you can only fail."

"They are right, you know?  You should believe more, trust more."

...They are endless, and mostly thoughts which try to encourage, and succeed in discouraging.

"Did you see her eyes?  The way they saw you?  It was different than before. How do you give up on that?"

Mostly I think it's because you walk three miles only to realize that what you are leaving embodies the very thing you long for.  All the traits, all the dreams, which were held by the one you are running from.

Why the hell don't you jump?  Try?  "You can only get closure" is what you would tell anyone that asked for your opinion.  You'd make it seem so simple.  They'd try it and say you were right as you either congratulated them or comforted them; either way you both know they did the right thing.  But you?  No such courage, no such sense to follow your own "good advice".

So wake up, smile, dance, work harder to gain clarity, and go to bed at the end of every day justifying your inaction by reminding yourself what you want is a pipe dream, an impossibility.  Ironically that's an entirely impossible to prove statement by the way.  I guess that's why justification only gets you to sleep at night, but doesn't comfort you the morning after.

Another thing: Why push people away?  What kind of sense does that make?  You'd never let others distance themselves if you could help it.  You'd insist that they live life and enjoy life.  Hypocrisy should be a job.  You would be great at that.  Maybe you should go into politics.

"You should try, you never know" they said.  If only they knew what my eyes have not been allowed to tell anyone.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Non Posso Vivere Senza Te

My newest song is titled "She Can Live Without / There There".  It has a few hiccups, but I wanted to get it posted cause I was excited about it.

Watch it HERE

Dawn Breaks over me

And you refuse to see.

Woa ya…

Hey hey, there there…

Sunlight on my shoulders

Your lips on my cheek

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there.

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there

You  come into my room

Say you're leavin soon

Woa ya

Hey hey, there there

Say its best not to kiss goodbye

Cause you'll just break down and cry

Woa ya, there there,

Hey hey, farewell

*Chorus*

But who will comfort me??

I need you here to breath

This light can't keep on burning

If I don't have you here by my side

My life won't just keep on rolling

If you won't have me by your side.

Babe you're all I see

When you dance with me

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there

The scent of your hair,

Pressed against my cheek

Woa ya,

It intoxicates me.

Woa ya,

Its killing me.

You tell me you don't love me,

But you won't look at me.

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there

When the one you can't live without,

Can live without you.

Woa woa,

Hey hey farewell.

*Chorus*

Woa woa ya,

Hey hey, farewell.

Woa woa ya,

Hey hey, farewell.

Woa woa ya,

Hey hey, farewell.

Ai miei amici (compredete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.