But this post won't be about my music. It will be about me. I have been trying to get back to the basics in life. Trying to just enjoy life, and keep my head on straight and my priorities in line. Sometimes I feel like I get lost, but I've been doing better. I wear my ring about 75% centered on my finger. It reminds me I'm making progress and to not get discouraged.
I have been having a hard time moving on from certain things. How, for instance, do you deal with someone who reminds you of someone you cared for a lot? Especially when you don't have a whisper of a chance more with the new person than you did with the one you have tried so hard to forget. Now I'm just rambling. Perfume is what gets me the most though. Perfume and a good dance. Best tasting poison I've ever had the displeasure and foolishness to take willingly...
I have been doing a lot of dancing lately. I also got hold of a mandolin, which I am trying to learn to play. Last night I reached the point where I had been pushing my body too hard and it gave out on me. I crashed hard for over twelve hours. I'm sure Heavenly Father isn't too pleased with the way I've been treating myself. Stand up and try again though.
So why don't I try harder to find what I want? I think it has a lot to do with fear. I'm afraid. Terrified of losing what I have waited so many countless endless moments to find. Of course, I will never find what I am afraid to lose if I am too afraid to look. I suppose I'm also worried that if I find it too soon I won't be ready for it and it'll pass me up. Maybe I'm worried it already has, time and time again.
I try not to post things like this on my blog. It seems cliché, childish, not really the thing I go for. But I need an outlet and currently there is no song I could write which will do. That may change, but it hasn't yet.
Thoughts in my head:
"You don't have forever to decide. Life isn't that convenient."
"If you don't try, you can only fail."
"They are right, you know? You should believe more, trust more."
...They are endless, and mostly thoughts which try to encourage, and succeed in discouraging.
"Did you see her eyes? The way they saw you? It was different than before. How do you give up on that?"
Mostly I think it's because you walk three miles only to realize that what you are leaving embodies the very thing you long for. All the traits, all the dreams, which were held by the one you are running from.
Why the hell don't you jump? Try? "You can only get closure" is what you would tell anyone that asked for your opinion. You'd make it seem so simple. They'd try it and say you were right as you either congratulated them or comforted them; either way you both know they did the right thing. But you? No such courage, no such sense to follow your own "good advice".
So wake up, smile, dance, work harder to gain clarity, and go to bed at the end of every day justifying your inaction by reminding yourself what you want is a pipe dream, an impossibility. Ironically that's an entirely impossible to prove statement by the way. I guess that's why justification only gets you to sleep at night, but doesn't comfort you the morning after.
Another thing: Why push people away? What kind of sense does that make? You'd never let others distance themselves if you could help it. You'd insist that they live life and enjoy life. Hypocrisy should be a job. You would be great at that. Maybe you should go into politics.
"You should try, you never know" they said. If only they knew what my eyes have not been allowed to tell anyone.
Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.
