Ciao

It has taken a long time, but I finally wrote a new song.  Hope it is likable.  The recording is better than my usual crap, but not perfect.

Running home,
 Pour down some gasoline,
 Start to sing,
 "We'll burn this mother down"

 In your mind, Momma's Lullabies.
 You start to cry
 Cause all your love has drown.

 They say that blood is thicker than water
 Who'll wash your hands off now?
 And in the eyes of your brother
 You see a thorny crown.

 Of "she's gone"

 Wade on in,
 Feel the water,
 They say it's fine.
 Woa woa woa

But no diving
 In the deep end
 You'll crack your head.
 And you'll be dead.

They say that blood is thicker than water.
 Who'll wash your hands off now?
 And in the eyes of your lover
 You see a thorny crown

 Of "she's gone"

(chrorus)
 It's been a long time com'n
 But it's time to say goodbye.
 You should know I love you still
But I just can't keep on try'n.

 So long to days of love
And love of auld lang syne.
 you should know I love you still
 I just can't keep on cry'n.

 Cut me deep
 Cut me long
 Make me sing this song.
 I'm bleedin' out.

 For the love
 Of all that's good in the world
 And that's not much…
 Just please stop.

 They say that blood is thicker than water.
 How'm I gonna wash my hands off now?
 And in the eyes of another
 Will I see another thorny crown

 Of "she's gone"?

*chorus*
*bad high pitched chorus I can't sing well*

Nostro Fratello

This post will be a bit more upbeat than my last.  This post is about our Brother.



I have began studies to learn the gifts which Jesus possessed and now possesses.  The driving force behind this research is to identify the traits which He has so that I can tap into those traits which exist within myself or if they do not exist, to create them within myself.

I first made a list of attributes which I believe He possesses based on my own personal knowledge of Him.  Each trait I listed had a story or an experience behind it to give it credit, so as to prevent me from listing rote adjectives which I have heard or read about.  No, these all had to be attributes which *I* feel He has based on *my* relationship with Him.  This helps me judge my relationship with Him.  It helps me to see how well I know my Brother.  I won't present that list here.  It is incomplete and not really the point of this post.  You just needed to know the back story a little.

Secondly I turned to Preach My Gospel.  It has a section of Christlike attributes in it which I believed would serve to broaden my personal list.  This post is about the first of those attributes:  Faith in Jesus Christ.

Now, keep in mind that the "Christlike attribute" "Faith in Jesus Christ" was the first of a list of "His attributes".  Why do I keep using quotations?  To put it less vaguely, *these are attributes which Christ has* 말이야!  My point?  I found it strange for the first time ever (I have read this section of PMG countless times) that Jesus Christ has the attribute of Faith in Jesus Christ.  That's when I realized something.  Jesus did not just have faith in Heavenly Father's plan to bring us into this world to learn, but He had faith in Himself, in His own place within that plan.  While He even He at one point "would that [He] might not drink the bitter cup" He knew that it was His responsibility and that as the Son of Heavenly Father, He was uniquely equipped to accomplish the crucial mission on which He had been sent.  There is another lesson in there about occasional fear at huge life decisions being completely normal and our need to just have faith and push through, but this isn't the post for that.

This is the point of my post:  We need to have faith in Jesus Christ.  It is the first and foremost of the listed attributes of PMG.  However, even Christ's possession of this attribute means to me that we need to have faith in ourselves.  We need to believe in ourselves.  This is big for me because I rarely feel confident in myself or my abilities.  If Christ had the ability to trust in His own abilities and His own potential, then I can also develop such an attribute in relation to myself.  This is because, as is stated in PMG before it actually lists the attributes: "Christlike attributes are gifts from God."

Therefore, just like any gift from God: "Ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Amen."  (D&C 4:7)

Or likewise from Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Per Favore, Ridatemi il mio Cuore.

So, I started this blog a while ago and have neglected it for far too long.  I have so many things I feel I need to say but I have no way to possibly say all of them.

First off lets just say that last year was possibly the best year of my life.  That being said, these last two months have been a living nightmare.  I have been oscillating between dark despair, bitter happiness, fierce denial, and disillusioned rage.  Honestly I have no way to reconcile these feelings so I have really just tried to give them all to God or bury them.  Through all of it I have really tried not to blame Him, but I have been brutally honest with my feelings.  The response was that He took them from me.  He never did chastise me for being angry at Him though.  However, even after that miracle I find myself slipping into a desire to go back to my pain.  Ma io so che la vita è piu di dolore.  That was kind of the original point of this blog.  So after a bad week I am going to move forward and get back on track to what I was supposed to do when I got home.

And what am I supposed to do?  I'm not quite sure, but I have a few ideas.

I ran to Virginia telling myself that I needed to make money (which is true).  I got there and realized that Hell is really very beautiful, and the people are extremely nice.  That is to say, I had taken Hell with me in my heart and my surroundings didn't (couldn't) change that.  After three weeks of begging to go home, God told me I could after staying another two weeks.  However, He told me that I would not be going home because I was miserable.  He told me that would not change.  I would go home, but it would be to change, not to go back to my old way of living.  So far I've been doing a crack job of that, but with the recent onslaught of all of the pain He was holding back I find I really must get into gear and punch it.

I saw a lot of miracles in Hell.  I saw total strangers at church transform before my eyes into brothers and sisters whom I had known forever (although we had never met).  I felt the peace of prayer, and the sheer power of testimony.  I felt the revelations of Heaven pouring over me to heal my wretched soul (waxing a bit dramatic here, I apologize).  I felt the Atonement work in me as it took my pain and anger away.  Anyway, the point is:  I learned a lot.

But even now, I love and miss her so much it physically hurts.  I can't bare to let those feelings go because I still want to believe so badly that they are not in vain.  Stupid.

It doesn't matter.  Now I have to get on with life, and this is kind of the point of this blog post.  I feel like I have been trapped in a never-ending adolescence which breeds fear of "growing up".  Even now I feel the burden of loan debt crushing me even though I have been told for years that it won't matter as long as I get a degree and go into a career that can pay it off.  So like a good soldier I rushed head first into an adult world with adult responsibilities and adult debt hoping to get an adult job.  The problem?  I don't feel like an adult.  I don't know how to feel like an adult.  I don't know how to get an adult job.  I don't know how to choose a career.  The worst part of it all is that I got overwhelmed by these adult choices and chose to play and pick a little from here and a little from there, hoping that my dream career would magically appear.  It didn't.  It hasn't.  Now I feel like I'm choking because this should be my last year and the only career I can think of requires me to get into grad school.  None of my siblings (other than my brother-in-law) ever went to grad school.  I am only the second of 6 to go to college (not even my parents went to college).  The first is 10 years older than me, so I was far to young to really pay attention to how he did it.  Basically I feel completely lost and I feel like in trying to find my career I have let the boat sail right past me.  God told me to stop being so prideful and go see a counselor to get guidance.  I don't have any more pride.  I don't have any more shame.  I'm desperate.

Obviously I need to get another job.  I also really need to buy a car (HA!  With what money?).

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Le Azalee

So, I was required to memorize a poem and translate it for my Korean class.
  This poem by Kim Sowol (김소월) is called Azaleas, or 진달래꽃, and is very famous.

This is the original followed by my translation  (I added a syllabic structure to mine in an attempt to ensure the flowing aesthetic of the Korean original on the page):

나 보기가 역겨워

가실 때에는

말 없이 고이 보내드리오리다

영변에 약산

진달래꽃

아름 따다 가실 길에 뿌리오리다

가시는 걸음걸음

놓인 그 꽃을

사뿐히 즈려 밟고 가시옵소서

나 보기가 역겨워

가실 때에는

죽어도 아니 눈물 흘리오리다

When my sight you hate, (x5)

and you away, (x4)

Silently, peacefully, shall I send you.  (3,3,4)

I'll spread armfuls of (x5)

Azaleas (x4)

from Mount Yak in Yeongbyeon, along your path. (3, 3, 4)

With your ev'ry step (x5)

on flowers, placed, (x4)

Tenderly, cautiously, tread as you go. (3,3,4)

When my sight you hate, (x5)

and you away, (x4)

Though I die, I'll not shed a single tear. (3,3,4)

---

This is an alternate translation that I came up with last night that I think flows better to an English speaker:

When of my sight you weary
and take your leave of me,
Without a word, in silence, will I send you.

From distant mountains,
Azaleas
Along your path I'll spread.

For each and every step you take
upon the flowers that I lay,
Please, tread tenderly as you go.

When of my sight you weary
and take your leave of me,
Though I die not a tear will I shed.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Il Silenzio

    Seid eine lange Zeit hab' ich nichts geschrieben.  Das was ich zuletzt geschrieben hab' über ein Kokosnuss eigentlich hat meine Freundin geschrieben.  Ich weiß aber überhaupt nicht was ich schreiben will.  Ich weiß das kürzlich hab ich viel an meine beliebte Schwester gedacht.  Ganz besonders weil zwei Tage vor ein Kind zu ihrem Mann geboren war.  Das Kind ist natürlich nicht das Kind meiner Schwester, weil sie nicht weiter lebt. Aber er ist doch mein Neffe.  Ich denke viel aber über die Tatsache das sie versuchte so viel um ein Kind zu haben und konnte nicht.  Ihr Mann auch wollte mehr als zehn Jahren ein Kind, das ihn Vater nennen würde.  Ich bin froh für ihn.

    Endlich denk ich dass ich nichts anders zu sagen hab. Tut mir Leid.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

coconuts

today I ate a coconut. to be continued ...

Il Timore della Speranza

It really has been a very long time since I posted anything here.  Quite a shame really.

  Quick recap on my life:  I have gotten very into the obtaining of a ballroom minor.  I'm really hoping it will give me time to analyze my options and choose a career path of some sort.  I have also gotten very into blues dancing lately and will soon be teaching it (which is an answer to my prayer of whether teaching dance is something I would like to do).  I went to the Temple a couple weeks back and got so many answers to my questions.  In fact, now that I think on it, I believe the Lord has answered all of my questions and pleas in one way or another.
  At the moment I'm trying to just follow my heart to attempt to do the things that were whispered to me while I was there.  Most of them are easy but one of them is terrifying and far far far out of my comfort zone.  That being said I am still trying (and even though results so far have been miraculous I am getting progressively nervous).
  Today I borrowed Swan's hymn book to read the words to "Be Still My Soul", which got stuck in my head as I began to get anxious over the various sources turbulence which are taking place in my life.  I say turbulence because I don't believe they are anything more serious than that and I will come out on top.  That said, I am still afraid of change, which I suppose is the reason for my desire to read the words to that particular hymn.  I mean:  "Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past.  Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;  All now mysterious shall be bright at last."  Heavenly Father certainly knows I've got my hopes up and He has given me an uncharacteristic confidence up to now.  I just need to not get shaken and keep "look[ing] forward with an eye of faith".

  I think I have put off telling funny stories on my blog for far too long a time. Soooooo, here is one (I don't know that it is funny, but maybe).

  Sooooooooo, this one time I almost got murdered by a moose.  It was just a few months back.  We went to my bro-in-law's cabin up in the mountains near Heber for a few days.  It was just me, my sister, her husband, and my Momma.  Anyway, I love fishing and the cabin was right next to a river (it was dark when we got there so I only knew about it because I could hear the sound of rushing water) so first thing in the morning I set out determined to find a good fishin' hole.  I trudged my way down a muddy path until I reached the edge of the stream.  The atmosphere was that of the forest in the morning (like right after you wake up and crawl out of your sleeping bag and tent and look around).  It was super calm and all I could hear was the river and it smelled sooooooo good out there (which, due to my allergy medicine I could actually appreciate).
  Anyway, preoccupied with the river I didn't think to look around to see my potential impending doom coming.  I was rudely jolted back into reality when I heard a not-so-sneaky-for-a-woodland-creature *THUD THUD THUD CLOMP CLOMP*  directly behind me.  Startled I threw my head back to see a young buck moose not eight feet in front of me.  He shuffled in a strafing pattern anxiously as it was obvious he didn't know what to do with/to me.  He was wide eyed and seemed confused and near panic (so obviously my mind was at ease, I mean, what's to fear from a stressed wild animal the size of a car known for very violent behavior toward humans, right?).
  All I could think was "There is an elk in front of me.  Just an elk.  A harmless elk that is not known for maiming innocent hikers.  Yup, no moose here, just elk.  Yup yup yup yup yup yup yup yupyupyupypupypuypuholycrapthat'samooseI'mgonnadieyupyupyup elk."  The best part was that I had happily cornered myself and my only way out was the not-so-inviting river.  God must've sent an angel at that moment because I didn't have to resort to plan "Operation Drown Rather Than Be Trampled By Angry Moose".  The bewildered moose jumped around and bolted away as quickly and non-stealthily as he had arrived (I feel like he would have been picked on in gym class for his severe lack of coordination).
  Once I swallowed my heart to put it back in my chest cavity and remembered how to breath, I admitted that it was a moose.  I slowly made my way back up the trail to the cabin and I'm pretty sure my eyes were as wide as the sky.  I heard my sister scream to me from the cabin "James, watch out, there's a moose out there!!!" to which I very sarcastically (or, as sarcastically as one can when one just saw one's life flash before their eyes) and shakily (my lungs were still remembering what they get paid to do) replied "NO KIDDING!!!!"
  He wandered back to the cabin later and I went outside with a camera to take pictures of him.  Unfortunately none of them were any better than the best Bigfoot picture ever taken.

This is the best picture I got.  I swear it is not a man in a moose suit.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

La Scogliera

  It has been a while since I wrote anything (a couple weeks I guess).  I actually wrote like two paragraphs at church (ya...maybe I should've been paying better attention, but I was feeling "writey" and I didn't have a notebook with me.  Anyway, I lost it all because blogger doesn't work very well on iPads (grrrrrr).  Although maybe it was punishment for not paying attention...naw.

  So, when I was a kid I went repelling with a group of scouts and my dad.  The first drop off scared me, but it was fun, because it was only about a 60° angle and I could see where to place me feet.  The second however, was a sheer drop 10 feet to a ledge which dropped down what to me looked like a mile.  Because of the ledge I couldn't see where I would have to place my feet going down.  I couldn't plan ahead.  Also, I was too scared to take that first scoot over the edge without help, and since there was another ledge 10 feet down, I was going to have to go off it alone.

  It was akin to a sensory overload.  I froze with fear and wouldn't move.  Eventually someone coaxed me away from the edge and practically carried me down the back way.

  I kinda am starting to feel this way again, but with life in general.  I can't see where I'm going, but I've already gone over the first edge and I am at the second, alone and terrified to move forward.  Unfortunately, having already gone over the edge, I am out of the reach of those who could carry me to safety.  Also, unfortunately, life is driven forward by the unstoppable engine of time, and I with it.

  

  I wanted to tell funny stories and experiences that happen to me, but it seems that every time I get on here I forget them all.   Maybe next time.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Nel Cielo

I wrote this song this evening.  It is called "In the Sky".  It is the result of me deciding to write a song with a different guitar tuning.  Don't worry, I didn't go crazy.  I just dropped the low E string a whole step.

Dreams

They raised her up.

In the sky,

It's where I'll be.

Hide your face

From me.

In the sky

Is where I'll be.

And you'll be there,

Singing with me,

Playing that harp

With only seven strings.

Singing Oh-woa-woa-woa

Woa-woa-woa

Oh-woa-woa-woa

Woa-woa-woa

Now you know,

It's gonna be a long

Way home

Save me sunshine,

Save me rain

Save me from this girl

That's caused me pain

Oh but bless her…

It's gonna be a long

Way home.

Fears,

They shot me up.

In the sky,

It's where I'll be.

Hide my face,

So she can't see.

I all want

Is for us to be…

I need you there,

Believe in me,

Play me hope

In a melody

Sing oh-woa…….etc.

Stay with me,

It's gonna be a long way home.

Save me sunshine

Save me rain

Save me through this girl

Who has caused me pain

Oh and bless her…

It's gonna be a long

Way home.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Il Dolore Di Mio Padre

I never do claim to be a good musician, but what I write comes from my heart and is, to me, necessary.

  The lyrics to this song my father wrote.  He requested I write music to put it to.

  He hasn’t written a song in upward of 30 years.  It took him close to 2 years to write the words to a point that he was satisfied.  He used the above painting, "Nighthawks", as an inspiration.

  I accepted the challenge to write the song, but I worried that I could never do the song justice.  Last Christmas (2011) I was working on a new song but my lyrics just felt all wrong.  At the suggestion of my father, I plugged in his lyrics to the tune I had been working on and they fit like a glove.

  We sat down and played side by side:

You see him everywhere you go.

He always seems to sit all alone.

His mind is always on, something else.

Some problem to solve, or to be put a shelf.

The waitresses all know him as their friend.

Someone who is kind but, yet in the end.

He is always something, to someone else.

But inside he feels nothing, to himself.

His loneliness is deep and never understood.

By others around him, nor himself, even though he should.

You see he lives it every day, from morning until dawn.

Then again in his dreams all night long.

The waitresses all know him as their friend.

Someone who is kind, but yet in the end.

He is always something, to someone else.

But inside he feels nothing, to himself.

He wonders what went wrong, so many years ago.

When life had more meaning with a clear and certain goal.

Of which he can’t remember, or did it really exist?

Or was it one of life’s illusions, that he just could not resist.

The waitresses all know him as their friend.

Someone who is kind but, yet in the end.

He is always something, to someone else.

But inside he feels nothing, to himself.

So he sits alone in the Diner and stares off into space.

Contemplates his next move, in life’s elusive race.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Musica

This is a song I recently wrote but posted on my tumblr.  Since not everyone knows what that is I am double posting it here.  It is called "This Man I Knew".

I once knew a fellow
Who was too weak
to even bellow
His own name.

But where he went
He went with purpose
He was sent
To garnish his own gains.

Life’s a dream
An endless nightmare
So he thought,
This helpless man I knew.

Sings along
With all the chorus
Words he sings,
He never thought,
He knew.

1 2 3 4…

woh woh woh woh woh

Oh spring
is coming round
Though winter
could not be found.

And love
and dreams of crazy things.
The cries
Of crazy beings.

The joy
We all loved and knew.
Will help me,
Get to you.

3rd time:
Oh spring
is coming round
Though winter
could not be found.

And love
and dreams of crazy things.
The cries
The lies
The joy
Of crazy beings.
*fin*

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Io Vorrei...

It's been a while since I posted an actual post on my blog.  I did write another song.  It is at my tumblr, piudidolore.tumblr.com. in the post following this, entitled "Musica".  Or at "La Mia Musica", my dedicated music page on the blog.

But this post won't be about my music.  It will be about me.  I have been trying to get back to the basics in life. Trying to just enjoy life, and keep my head on straight and my priorities in line.  Sometimes I feel like I get lost, but I've been doing better.  I wear my ring about 75% centered on my finger.  It reminds me I'm making progress and to not get discouraged.

I have been having a hard time moving on from certain things.  How, for instance, do you deal with someone who reminds you of someone you cared for a lot?  Especially when you don't have a whisper of a chance more with the new person than you did with the one you have tried so hard to forget.  Now I'm just rambling.  Perfume is what gets me the most though.  Perfume and a good dance.  Best tasting poison I've ever had the displeasure and foolishness to take willingly...

I have been doing a lot of dancing lately.  I also got hold of a mandolin, which I am trying to learn to play.  Last night I reached the point where I had been pushing my body too hard and it gave out on me.  I crashed hard for over twelve hours.  I'm sure Heavenly Father isn't too pleased with the way I've been treating myself.  Stand up and try again though.

So why don't I try harder to find what I want?  I think it has a lot to do with fear.  I'm afraid.  Terrified of losing what I have waited so many countless endless moments to find.  Of course, I will never find what I am afraid to lose if I am too afraid to look.  I suppose I'm also worried that if I find it too soon I won't be ready for it and it'll pass me up.  Maybe I'm worried it already has, time and time again.

I try not to post things like this on my blog.  It seems cliché, childish, not really the thing I go for.  But I need an outlet and currently there is no song I could write which will do.  That may change, but it hasn't yet.

Thoughts in my head:

"You don't have forever to decide.  Life isn't that convenient."

"If you don't try, you can only fail."

"They are right, you know?  You should believe more, trust more."

...They are endless, and mostly thoughts which try to encourage, and succeed in discouraging.

"Did you see her eyes?  The way they saw you?  It was different than before. How do you give up on that?"

Mostly I think it's because you walk three miles only to realize that what you are leaving embodies the very thing you long for.  All the traits, all the dreams, which were held by the one you are running from.

Why the hell don't you jump?  Try?  "You can only get closure" is what you would tell anyone that asked for your opinion.  You'd make it seem so simple.  They'd try it and say you were right as you either congratulated them or comforted them; either way you both know they did the right thing.  But you?  No such courage, no such sense to follow your own "good advice".

So wake up, smile, dance, work harder to gain clarity, and go to bed at the end of every day justifying your inaction by reminding yourself what you want is a pipe dream, an impossibility.  Ironically that's an entirely impossible to prove statement by the way.  I guess that's why justification only gets you to sleep at night, but doesn't comfort you the morning after.

Another thing: Why push people away?  What kind of sense does that make?  You'd never let others distance themselves if you could help it.  You'd insist that they live life and enjoy life.  Hypocrisy should be a job.  You would be great at that.  Maybe you should go into politics.

"You should try, you never know" they said.  If only they knew what my eyes have not been allowed to tell anyone.

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Non Posso Vivere Senza Te

My newest song is titled "She Can Live Without / There There".  It has a few hiccups, but I wanted to get it posted cause I was excited about it.

Watch it HERE

Dawn Breaks over me

And you refuse to see.

Woa ya…

Hey hey, there there…

Sunlight on my shoulders

Your lips on my cheek

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there.

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there

You  come into my room

Say you're leavin soon

Woa ya

Hey hey, there there

Say its best not to kiss goodbye

Cause you'll just break down and cry

Woa ya, there there,

Hey hey, farewell

*Chorus*

But who will comfort me??

I need you here to breath

This light can't keep on burning

If I don't have you here by my side

My life won't just keep on rolling

If you won't have me by your side.

Babe you're all I see

When you dance with me

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there

The scent of your hair,

Pressed against my cheek

Woa ya,

It intoxicates me.

Woa ya,

Its killing me.

You tell me you don't love me,

But you won't look at me.

Woa ya,

Hey hey, there there

When the one you can't live without,

Can live without you.

Woa woa,

Hey hey farewell.

*Chorus*

Woa woa ya,

Hey hey, farewell.

Woa woa ya,

Hey hey, farewell.

Woa woa ya,

Hey hey, farewell.

Ai miei amici (compredete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Sono solo nello spazio senza te.

This is my cover of Elton John's "Rocket Man".  It isn't perfect but if you could see how many failed attempts are currently on my iPad you would understand why I just went with this one.  Hope you enjoy it!  It will also be in the music section of course!  (Click "La Mia Musica" on this ---> side bar or just go here.)

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

I miei pensieri di te

Hello Blog.  I have a lot to talk about I guess.  I went on an adventure and bought some new clothes, including a new jacket which is really quite nice.  I feel like I'm lacking in adventures that I can retell with any sort of humor.  I did buy some tickets to Devine Comedy, a comedy act at BYU, for this Friday with the hopes that it'll force me to ask someone on a date.  Who knows if that'll work out or not.  I bought them because my Grandpa almost begged me to find a girl.

He looked me in the face with his wise but obviously very lonely eyes and said "Don't be alone; man wasn't meant to be alone.  You don't have to worry about money.  When I got married I had a pretty little lady whom I loved but not a penny to my name."

I worry about how much longer he will be here with us.  He is probably the most honorable figure in my life in terms of spirituality and loving his spouse.  I have always dreamed of finding what he had with my Grandma.  I figure now may be the time to get started.  Even all of my closest friends have been getting married lately.  I never cared much before, but now there is just something bothering me about being 'the last'.  Of my closest friends throughout my life, I am very nearly the last to find someone and I have yet to do that.

Anyway, I don't care all that much, because I have always been an optimistic fatalist, even though many of my day to day attitudes seem to indicate apathetic pessimism.

At least I'm no longer depressed like last month.  That song I wrote ("Gold and Blue") kinda healed me.  Its hard to describe but, writing that song felt like drawing poison from my blood.  As soon as it was finished my heart felt at ease again after very nearly a full month of iridescent hopelessness.  Iridescent because it seemed so attractive an attitude at the time.

Anyway, on to the obligatory picture which must accompany every post.

Eerie isn't it?

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Ok, so, since that stuff is all old I will just continue underneath this ^^^^ beautiful hash mark I made with my knowledge of HTML code.

AAAAAAAnyway...I went to DC with my dance partner and my roommate bombed out and couldn't get a girl so two of my four tickets went to waste.  Plus my plan to force myself to ask some random girl out bombed because I chickened out / didn't find any random girl I liked and asking my dance partner wasn't really much of a challenge.  But, on the bright side, DC did use a skit that I made with some mission friends for a ward Christmas party.  It was about a paparazzo taking a picture of Santa Claus and then the director forcing us to do it over and over again using different themes.  DC made a few changes here and there, but it was way cool to see them perform our skit.  ^_^  Maybe I should've charged royalties...at least ten bucks to make up for the amount of money I wasted on those two extra tickets.

Oh, and a glow stick exploded on my hands...soo...if I get hand cancer that will be the reason this blog dies out.  That or I just get too lazy...both are plausible at this point.

What else what else what else...Notwithstanding the fact that I'm likely to fail at least one class this semester, I am excited for school to end.  I do of course worry what to do with my life, but let's think about that tomorrow.  Today lets think about...fishing...or...music...or...bicycles...or pretty much anything but real life. Ya?  Sounds good.  BREAK!

Ai miei amici (comprendete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Il Mio Figlio

انا حسمت اني كنت عاوز اكتب الآخر دا بالعربية.  كلبي اسمه بوكي مات اسبوين اللي فات.  انا فكرت اته زي ابني.  درّسته كل الحاجا واشتافه كتير.  هو التذكير الأخير من اختي ليانّة

باحبك قوي يا ابني وانشاء الله حنشوفنا مرّة تانية

 اللة يسلمك حبيبي

Balla Attraverso la Vita

Hello again dear blog. I want to take this time to give a brief summary of what I have been up to of late.

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    So the first thing on the list would probably be my dancing:
      I recently cut back on my work hours by a significant amount. I now only work Saturdays. It's been quite nice actually. The biggest benefit is of course the fact that now I no longer have to go to bed before ten to ensure that I can function. That means DANCE CLUBS!!! This is important to me because I will be competing in the Open West Coast Swing competition at DanceSport this year and I need all the West Coast practice I can get. It seems like it'll be a lot of fun at the moment. My partner and I have come up with a fun routine. It still needs some polishing but it is a fun routine.
    Also, I have been fixing up Ginger (see previous post for a pic). Yesterday my white tires came in, so I put those on and she looks great! I also installed a new brake, but unfortunately in doesn't like 27" tires. I have a plan to use some ingenuity to solve the problem, rather than returning yet another brake. We will see how it turns out.

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    I need to do some homework so I will pause my updating here.
Back!
    So yesterday was a weird day. I had planned to go to Blue Tango but as I was walking there around the time it starts in order to make it in time for lessons, but before I got there I realized I wasn't really in the mood to dance, so instead I found myself taking a walk to downtown. I walked past what will soon be the second Temple in Provo. Even now, in its unfinished state, it fills me with the same awe and humility as do the other Temples I've seen.
    Eventually I found myself walking in front of Kalyn's car at which point she turned around and picked me up. We ended up back at Blue Tango after a car ride but I still had no desire to dance. I said my goodbyes and turned to walk home, but decided again to turn my feet toward the road. My destination was my friend's Mustang. He works at a community center near the dance club. I ended up spending the rest of my evening with him and his fiancé. We went to a new bar/lounge that opened up in the area called the M. It was the first time I've ever been carded to gain admission before. It was kareoke night and there were a bunch of drunk people... It would've been fun but the atmosphere wasn't nearly as inviting as we had hoped from the outward appearance. They should just turn it into a dance hall. Anyway, we decided to leave and went instead to the dry bar Spark and sat and visited for a long while. I then said goodbye and walked home. All in all a fun, though odd, evening.

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    I guess the next fun bit of news is that I am learning to code using HTML in one of my classes. To practice I actually decided to write this entire post using the html tab rather than the "Compose" feature. I actually made a website for my class.
Oh ya, and here is a link to my cover of the Rolling Stones' "Wild Horses". It isn't the best, but it was a fun song and was mostly an experiment in recording music with my Ipad.

Ai miei amici (compredete per favore): la vita è più di dolore

La Buona Vita

So, here we are again, oh blog whom I have cruelly ignored so.  I shall show you some pictures I have come across recently which I enjoyed are which are representative of changes in my life.

This is an awesome drink I found which has jalapeño oil in it.

The length of my hair the day I got it cut.

I random awesome car I saw.  I love the kid in the child seat.

I bought TOMS for my niece!

I should be a hipster model.  I wore this for a music video we were making.

I just find this funny.  Yes, those are real pumpkins...and yes, that is a minivan.

Meet Ginger, my birthday present from Kalyn. ^_^  I'm fixing her up to be a single speed/fixie.

Ok, pictures aside, what should I talk about?  I can't really think of anything exciting or funny to talk about.  Just a life update or two.  I quit working Monday through Friday because I have found myself failing my classes.  At first I thought, "I will skip homework/class just this once", but - *BAM* - six weeks passed.  So now I am dangerously close to destroying my academic standing this semester.

I am getting super excited again about dancing.  I am even toying with getting a dance minor.  I plan to try out for team next semester finally.  No doubts or worries, I am just going to do it.  I figure, I have a passion for it and it helps me stand tall (both literally and metaphorically), so why not pursue it?

Ai miei amici (compredete per favore): la vita è più di dolore

La Mùsica Che Canterò Per Ti.

    Well, a few days have passed.  I'm super tired.  I have so many epic adventures I need to write down here but I am way too tired.  I will talk about a few things which may be of interest about me though.

    First thing, I like to dance, but I never did any dancing in high school.  I didn't even like dancing then.  So why do I dance now??  The answer is Elton John.  Weird answer huh?  True though.  X my heart and hope to eat π!

    So...background story.  I was still in high school, watching tv, when a commercial came on with the song "Tiny Dancer" playing in the background.  Something about it caught my attention, and I got a strange but powerful feeling that my future wife must be a dancer.  For some reason I wanted this song to apply to her.  Still do.

    But what good is it to demand a dancer when a dancer will likely only want to marry a dancer as well?  Seems unfair to me.  So I decided to learn to dance.  That's where it started.


   Today though I heard his song "Your Song", surprisingly for the first time.  I had heard Ewan McGregor's version from the "Elephant Love Medley" of course, so the tune was familiar to me.  The original version though seemed much more powerful and again I made the decision that this song much apply to her (I'm just going to refer to my future wife with italics from now on for simplicity's sake).  I think it would make her day if I sang it for her one day.

    Anyway, just some thoughts is all.

Ai miei amici (compredete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.

Ti Amerò Per Sempre.

I don't know whether to make this post funny or serious...
Maybe both??

First an update:

    I went home to Cali and saw my family.  It was good to escape my responsibilities and leave my "real life" behind.  I was actually within a whisper of staying there for the remainder of the summer.  Unfortunately my sense of responsibility brought me back.

    While there I had an epic guitar jamming session with my Dad and my cousin Sean.  My Dad and I wrote a song together as well.  It is only instrumental; no lyrics.  I'll get a good version up eventually.

    I learned to make what is called a survival bracelet.  It's pretty nifty, but I wear it more for the look than for the practical use of 20' of rope on my wrist.  And I can weave it into cool designs like this:

    In other news, I should probably get a hair cut as it is getting kinda out of control in the back.  Oh well...

    I don't think I actually have any humorous stories for the children of the great Blogdom.  I did draw a rad picture before church yesterday though.  It was inspired by this song.  I was surprised how well I drew (and shut up...I do realize that this drawing doesn't really constitute saying I drew it "well", but compared to my usual stuff, it was quite good!)

 

    Oddly enough she is frowning but he has a slight grin.  I didn't really plan this, it just happened.  Maybe it's like my songs and it means something I didn't know I wanted to say.  Taking this into consideration I stared at it when it was finished for a good ten minutes I think.  I was quite enthralled.  I think that I must have really hit a psychological low point.  That or I somehow managed to get high on campus.

   I think I'm going to stop blogging now.

   Yes...yes I will do just that.

    Sorry for the disappointing update.

Ai miei amici (compredete per favore): la vita è più di dolore.